Secrets of Happy Couples
Written by Rob Shive, MA, LPC â Founder & CEO, Oakland Hills Counseling, LLC
The 6 Habits and Practices of Thriving Marriages
As we all know, a new year is a great time to revisit, update or even make new resolutions for our health, finances, careers, habits, and goals. Why not put that focus, attention and priority toward your marriage?
After more than three decades of walking alongside couples as a marital therapist, I can say this with confidence: happy marriages are not built on chemistry, perfect compatibility, or somehow hitting the marital jackpot. Happy couples have learned the secrets of building and cultivating their relationship through intentional practices, repeated over time, often when it would be easier not to.
Years ago, I was working with a couple and the first thing the husband said in our initial session was, âI just want to be happy.â The implication was clear, she wasnât making him happy, and that was the reason he had the affair (his justification). I said, âIâm sure you do, we all want to be happy, but what if things you are doing to be happy are making your wife unhappy? Doesnât she âdeserveâ to be happy too (using his logic)? And, then he doubled-down on his ârightâ to happiness and said, âWell, then maybe we need to get divorced.â
Most couples do not drift apart overnight. They grow apart through neglect, emotional distance, conflict cycles, disappointments, and quiet resignation. No one wakes up one morning and decides to stop caring. What usually happens is far more subtle and silently corrosive. Stress, parenting, financial pressure, unresolved conflicts, unspoken resentment and unrealistic expectations slowly erode connection if nothing intentional is done to counteract their impact.
Eventually, affection and goodwill become optional instead of a mutual commitment to the wellbeing of each other. Essentially, like the couple above, they stop caring for and focusing on each otherâs happiness and only focus on their own. Which, as it turns out, is a disastrous formula that always results in unhappiness for both persons.
Hereâs the bottom line and the simple truth I tell couples that attend our enrichment seminars or in my office: âWhatever you water grows.â Translation, the grass isnât greener on the other side (a new relationship), itâs greener where itâs watered.
That biblical principle of âsowing and reapingâ is as true emotionally, physically and spiritually as it is relationally. The relative health and happiness of your marriage will always reflect what you are consistently sowing into it.
This article walks through six practices that we have helped couples build into their relationships to create mutually happy and fulfilling marriages. These arenât just theories. They are relational habits rooted in decades of social science research, clinical experience, and timeless biblical wisdom. The good news is that they are accessible to ordinary couples, just like you and me, who are willing to develop and practice them imperfectly.
1. Create a Culture of Appreciation
One of the most damaging patterns in marriage is not necessarily conflict itself, but chronic negativity. The truth is we all tend to take our spouse (or significant other) for granted and slowly build a habit of not expressing appreciation. Over time, spouses stop feeling seen, valued, or cared for. We see this every day with our clients.
Dr. John Gottman, the most well-known marital researcher, calls this foundational relationship principle the âfondness and admirationâ system. One of his key findings is that, âA marriage can survive many difficulties, but it cannot survive without fondness and admiration.âš
Appreciation is not about ignoring problems. It is about choosing to notice the positive qualities or strengths alongside what needs growth. Not surprisingly from a neurological point of view, when we practice looking for and expressing gratitude it calms the nervous system and increases emotional safety. Relationally, it creates a reserve of goodwill that sustains couples during conflict and relational stress.
Scripture puts it this way, âDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needsâ (Ephesians 4:29). I hope you caught that last part, according to their needs, not just your own.
Couples who have happy and healthy relationships practice appreciation intentionally. They build a habit of naming what they appreciate and are grateful for. (click here: for more on gratitude and how to cultivate it in your marriage) Â They let their spouse know in specific ways that they matter.
Relationship Practice Hereâs a simple but powerful practice: Regularly (a few times per week) share three things you appreciate about your spouse. Not generic compliments, but concrete observations, and especially what you appreciate about each otherâs character. Over time, what you look for is what you see; what you water grows.
“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. A marriage can survive many difficulties, but it cannot survive without fondness and admiration.” Â Â âDr. John Gottman, PhD.
2. Feed Your Love and Friendship
Strong marriages are built on deep friendship. Romance matters, but friendship sustains intimacy over the long haul.
When couples neglect fun, emotional curiosity, and shared enjoyment, the relationship becomes functional rather than relational. In a word, it withers due to a lack of watering. I canât tell you how many couples have told me that they live like roommates. Tasks replace tenderness. Conversations become logistical. Emotional connection begins to wither and dry up.
Research consistently shows that kindness and friendship are not soft extras, they are core predictors of marital satisfaction. Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn writes, âIn nearly nine out of ten relationships, kindness was the most important factor in creating happiness.â² Thatâs worth repeating: 90% said that kindness was the key factor in building a mutually happy relationship!
Scripture affirms this type of action-oriented expression of love. âDear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truthâ (1 John 3:18).
Friendship is fed through shared experiences, laughter, playfulness, and small acts of kindness. Date nights matter, not because they somehow solve all our problems, but because they feed and nurture the relationship. Countless angry, hurting and unhappy couples have told me that they donât feel like a priority in the relationship. Small, daily kindness matters because it softens hearts and protects us from all the wear and tear in our relationships.
Relationship Practice A helpful reflection for couples is this: discuss how you connect now and how you connected earlier in your relationship. Then choose one small way to begin feeding your love and friendship again; either based on what has worked previously or by having an updated conversation of your current needs.
3. Cultivate Emotional Responsiveness
At the heart of every close relationship is one core question. Will you be there for me when I need you?
Attachment research has shown that emotional responsiveness, not problem solving, is the foundation of secure connection. Dr. Sue Johnson puts it simply: âThe key question in love is not âHow can I get my partner to do what I want?â but âAre you there for me?ââÂł
Every day, spouses make small âbids for connection.â A comment, a look, a sigh, a question. Couples respond in one of three habitual emotional ways. They turn toward, turn away, or turn against. Gottmanâs research found that happy couples turn toward each otherâs bids 86% of the time whereas distressed or couples who eventually divorced only 33%.â´
Again, look how scripture captures this other-centered attitude perfectly, âCarry each otherâs burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christâ (Galatians 6:2).
Cultivating emotional responsiveness means learning how your spouse signals or expresses their needs and then responding by being fully present rather than distracted. In our busy lives this means putting the phone down, listening without fixing, and staying engaged even when it feels inconvenient. It also means finding a balance for when your spouse is not available and making room for different ways of connecting.
Relationship Practice Consider starting or restoring a daily habit of check-ins, such as sharing highs and lows of your day, (again) what you are grateful for, or praying together briefly. These are tried and true ways of helping couples stay emotionally attuned and connected.
Attachment research has shown that emotional responsiveness, not problem solving, is the foundation of secure connection.
4. Accept Influence
One of the clearest predictors of long-term marital health is whether spouses allow themselves to be influenced by one another (i.e., making room for each otherâs differences, needs, feelings, ideas and opinions).
Gottmanâs research found that marriages where one spouse consistently resisted influence were significantly more likely to end in divorce. In contrast, couples who practiced mutual influence experienced greater respect, collaboration, and emotional intimacy.âľ
Accepting influence does not mean abandoning conviction or values. It means practicing humility. It means recognizing that your spouseâs perspective matters, even when it challenges your own.
Biblical wisdom consistently affirms this posture. âThe way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to adviceâ (Proverbs 12:15). âEveryone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angryâ (James 1:19).
Over the years I have helped couples slow conversations down, take turns listening, and reflect back what they heard before responding. Influence grows when defensiveness decreases, and working to understanding your spouseâs perspective, even if you disagree. Of course, there are many times when we do disagree, but how you disagree, whether itâs coming from an attitude of pride and arrogance or humility and consideration, makes a world of difference. And, that difference significantly contributes to whether or not we have happy and healthy relationships.
Relationship Practice Hereâs a challenge: have an honest discussion about your capacity to accept influence, while practicing accepting influence, right in the middle of that conversation. Howâs that for counterintuitive? Consider discussing these prompts to get the conversation going: 1) I realize I need to work on my defensiveness, competitiveness or respectfully listening when I donât agree, or 2) maybe I need to practice speaking up in a healthy way.
5. Manage Conflict Wisely
All couples experience conflict. The difference between happy and unhappy marriages is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to regulate our emotional reactions when we disagree.
Research shows that nearly 70 percent of marital conflict is perpetual. The goal is not necessarily a perfect resolution, but management of our reactions during conflict, and then to repair hurt and disconnection when our conflict resolution doesnât go well .âś
Gottman identifies four destructive patterns that predict marital distress and eventually divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and withdrawal. He writes, âContempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.â⡠My experience over the past three decades is consistent with his warning. To me, contempt is criticism on steroids because itâs coming from a place of superiority, talking down to your spouse, and with little or no regard for how it hurts the other person.
Scripture speaks to this with remarkable psychological and practical insight. âA gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up angerâ (Proverbs 15:1). âDeath and life are in the power of the tongueâ (Proverbs 18:21). Words really matter and when we weaponize our words, we do damage to trust and the capacity to stay securely attached.
Happy and healthy couples learn to slow things down when emotions escalate. They take breaks when necessary. They use gentle start-ups. They express needs as requests rather than accusations or criticism. Conflict handled wisely becomes an opportunity for understanding rather than damage. Itâs also a massive opportunity to have our character transformed into becoming a more kind, gentle, compassionate, and self-controlled person (see Galatians 5:22-24).
Relationship Practice Utilize a time-out strategy:Â If an argument escalates and you are having a difficult time being respectful, take a 20-30 minute break to calm down and return with a fresh perspective (in other words, not replaying the conflict or planning for your rebuttal). Consider going for a walk, listening to music, praying, or taking a hot shower/bath.
âContempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.â âDr. John Gottman, PhD.
6. Build a Solid Spiritual Foundation
At the center of every marriage is something ultimate. If it is not God, it will eventually be something else, whatever we treasure most. Perhaps it’s unmet expectations, self-interest, emotional dependency or as we have seen throughout this article, a demand for happiness. Having shared values that we build our relationship on, at a core level, provides an anchor when a relationship gets a little rocky. One of these life-changing core values is the reality that we are accountable to the God of the universe. This certainly involves how we treat other human beings, but especially how we treat our spouse.
A shared spiritual foundation provides security, mutual respect, humility, and resilience. âUnless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vainâ (Psalm 127:1).
Researchers Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have found that couples who share core values and meaning-making systems show greater long-term stability and commitment.â¸
Relationship Practice As a couple, spiritual practices such as prayer, shared values, confession and repentance, forgiveness and community service align couples around something larger than themselves. Faith does not eliminate conflict, but it redeems it by providing grace, perspective, and hope. Choose one or two and discuss how you can work together building these spiritual and relational formational practices into your life and marriage this year.
A Final Encouragement
Happiness in marriage is not found by chasing happiness. Psychiatrist Anna Lembke in her revolutionary book, Dopamine Nation observes, âThe paradox is that hedonism, the pursuit of pleasure (happiness) for its own sake, leads to anhedonia, which is the inability to enjoy pleasure of any kind . . . [Ironically] the relentless pursuit of pleasure is one of the main sources of our misery.ââš
The same is true relationally. When couples are careless about how they interact or avoid discomfort at all costs–including facing their shortcomings or weaknesses–they undermine long-term joy. But when they are willing to practice appreciation, kindness, responsiveness, humility, and spiritual disciplines, even when it is hard and not convenient, something deeper grows.
Scripture reminds us, âLet us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give upâ (Galatians 6:9). This applies to your marriage and mine.
Happy marriages are built when two imperfect people decide to mutually commit themselves to a long-term process of steady growth and gradual transformation. If you are willing to keep sowing even when it is hard and painful, by Godâs grace the (relational) harvest is worth it. So donât give up but keep on watering and see what grows. With Godâs help, and a lot of hard work, it is possible to build a happy relationship in 2026.
Author Byline
Rob Shive, MA, LPC â Founder & CEO, Oakland Hills Counseling, LLC
www.oaklandhillscounseling.com   Follow us: Instagram
Endnotes
- Gottman, J. M. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown, 1999, p. 63. https://www.gottman.com
- Feldhahn, S. The Kindness Challenge. Baker Books, 2019, p. 42. https://shauntifeldhahn.com
- Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight. Little Brown, 2008, p. 6. https://iceeft.com
- Gottman, J. M., Levenson, R. W. âWhat Predicts Divorce?â Journal of Family Psychology, 1992. https://www.gottman.com
- Gottman, J. M. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown, 1999, pp. 115â118.
- Gottman, J. M. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon & Schuster, 1994.
- Gottman, J. M. The Marriage Clinic. Norton, 1999.
- Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey Bass, 2010. https://www.prepinc.com
- Lembke, A. Dopamine Nation. Dutton, 2021, p. 22. https://www.annalembke.com
