The Gratitude Habit in Marriage: How Thankfulness Rekindles Love and Heals the Heart
Written by Rob Shive, MA, LPC – Founder & CEO, Oakland Hills Counseling, LLC
Intro – Questions to Consider
What if the spark your marriage needs won’t be found in a weekend getaway or a date night, but in cultivating the powerful habit of gratitude practiced daily at home?
After three decades of clinical practice as a marital therapist, I’ve noticed that most couples think connection is lost because of big issues: communication breakdowns, finances, or unmet expectations. No question, these have an impact. But more often, it’s the absence of appreciation that slowly drains the life-giving nourishment, and even goodwill, from the relationship. Cultivating gratitude may seem way too simplistic, but it’s actually one of the most powerful spiritual disciplines and relational practices for maintaining love and closeness, whether with your spouse or in your relationship with God. Take a look [here] for more on how cultivating gratitude on a personal level improves emotional and spiritual health.
Sadly, when gratitude fades, it’s usually criticism that fills the void. The good news is that when thankfulness returns, love begins to breathe again, and closeness comes back online. Most of the couples who come to our clinic are on emotional life-support because their relationship is starving for appreciation. Let me remind you, whatever you water grows; negativity produces negativity and positivity produces positivity. This is the sowing and reaping principle that shows up in all our marriages, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap . . . let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time, we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:7, 9).
Insights – Dynamic to Understand
Every marriage develops an emotional climate over time. I can feel it when a couple walks into my office: the subtle tone of their words, the entrenched emotional disposition/s, or heaviness of heart they are both carrying. Their relational atmosphere is shaped largely by one thing: what they focus on. And, as most of us have experienced, it’s a lot easier to see and pay attention to the things that bug us about our spouse. Have you ever noticed the tendency to have an internal score-keeping dialogue in your own heart? I know I sure have!
Neuroscientists have shown through numerous studies that most of us unconsciously scan for what’s wrong more than what’s right—a phenomenon called negative filtering. In marriage, that means our brains are constantly cataloging what our spouse didn’t do, forgot to say, or failed to notice. Over time, this erodes our closeness and affection, and fuels emotional distance. Left unchecked, this creates a condition known as “negative sentiment override.” Eventually, either couples don’t notice, or they ignore the positive aspects of their spouse. They don’t appreciate the positive things each other is doing for the relationship. As you can imagine, this inevitably leads to significant distress in a marriage.
Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected marriage researchers in the world, found that thriving marriages maintain at least a 5-to-1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones.¹ Gratitude stacks the ratio toward the positive side and keeps the emotional bank account full. Without it, the smallest withdrawal can trigger defensiveness or resentment, and couples get caught up in chronic cycles of negative conflict.
Gottman also found that “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.” Unfortunately, I’ve seen this phenomenon frequently, and the negativity eventually erodes most of the positive aspects of the relationship. If you find yourself saying, “Oh boy, this sounds like us,” you can find a more detailed explanation of what we call “emotional gridlock” in a previous post [here]
Spiritually speaking, it may sound strange, but the same pattern plays out in our relationship with God. When we stop noticing and being thankful for His daily blessings and mercies, we drift into discontentment, apathy, or double-mindedness (see James 1:8). Scripture calls this hardening of heart forgetfulness. An ungrateful heart is a forgetful heart. Gratitude restores spiritual memory, and it helps us see our spouse and God through the lens of grace rather than our grievances.
As the apostle Paul wrote, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful” (Colossians 3:15). Notice the link: peace and thankfulness. In both marriage and our walk with God, gratitude is the soil where peace grows.
“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.”  —Dr. John Gottman
Integration – Research to Inform
Gratitude isn’t just being polite, although that’s a plus. It’s emotional oxygen for relationships. When it is present, our connection thrives. When it is missing, our hearts grow cold and our relationship suffocate. I’ve witnessed marital revival hundreds of times where distressed and hurting couples find new life because they’re feeding their love and friendship again. Gratitude is emotional super-food.
A number of studies confirm this reality. Researchers at the University of North Carolina found that when one spouse expressed gratitude, the other felt more valued and more motivated to invest in the relationship.2 In another long-term study of married couples, those who practiced simple gratitude habits—verbally thanking each other daily or journaling about each other’s strengths—reported higher marital satisfaction and fewer arguments over time.3
Even brief expressions of appreciation create what researchers call a “positive feedback loop.” The more gratitude you express, the more your spouse feels seen. The more seen they feel, the more giving they become. Gratitude creates emotional security and security creates deeper levels of intimacy. Neuroscience tells us why: when we express or receive gratitude, the brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, the same neurochemicals tied to bonding and trust.4 In other words, gratitude literally strengthens our attachment bond at the neurobiological level. Let that sink in! Mutually practicing and expressing gratitude is the secret sauce that feeds our relationship and strengthens attachment.
Gratitude isn’t just being polite, although that’s a plus. It’s emotional oxygen for relationships . . . gratitude is emotional superfood for our marriages.
Spiritually, this shouldn’t surprise us. Scripture has always tied love and thanksgiving together. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4:8–9). Gratitude transforms the “without grumbling” part into genuine care and concern for each other. It moves us from the default mode of taking each other for granted to other–centered appreciation, which in turn create desires for deeper connection.
Formation – Principle to Practice
Gratitude in marriage isn’t about ignoring what’s wrong, it’s about remembering what’s right.
Again, I know this sounds ridiculously simple, but we’ve already seen that research shows how powerful practicing gratitude can be for healing and reviving our relationships. Maybe it’s so simplistic or self-evident that it’s easy to ignore.
Think about it this way, when we intentionally focus on and practice being grateful for our spouse, we’re doing more than being nice; we’re aligning ourselves with the way God sees them. He doesn’t love us because we’re flawless, He loves us because we’re His.
The Apostle Paul modeled this in nearly every letter he wrote: “I thank my God every time I remember you” (Philippians 1:3).
Imagine what would happen if that same spirit of gratitude entered our marriages: “I thank my God every time I think of you.”
That kind of gratitude changes our tone, attitude, and even conflict. In other words, it’s hard to attack someone you’re praying for. It’s even harder to stay bitter toward someone you’re actively thanking God for.
Practicing gratitude doesn’t minimize problems, it magnifies redemptive grace within the problems. It’s a daily decision, and over time, a habit is formed to view your spouse through the lens of mercy, the way God sees us. There are many things that have de-formed us because of the me-centered culture we live in. Being negative, ungrateful and discontented is in the air we breathe. But, by developing a new relationship ritual or a spiritual practice of gratitude, we are participating with God in the re-formation of our character to be more like God Himself. That’s a huge win for us personally in our own spiritual journeys, and a massive blessing to the relationship.
God doesn’t love us because we’re flawless, He loves us because we are His.
Scripture – Truth to Claim
Gratitude reminds us that our spouse is a gift from God, not a project to change to our liking. Maybe you’ve noticed that criticizing someone as a strategy to create change doesn’t work very well. (Ouch!)
Yes, they have flaws (so do we). But gratitude reframes those flaws inside the bigger picture of God’s redemptive story. When we thank God for our spouse, we are reaffirming our covenant with God and each other, “Lord, I choose to see Your hand in this person’s life and in our story together. Please help me be faithful to my promise.” Scripture says: “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)
When we take each other for granted and rarely show appreciation for one another, we stop recognizing and honoring our marriage as a gift from God. Gratitude reopens our hearts and renews that spiritual vision. It anchors us again in the truth that what God joined together, He continues to sustain. Remarkably, even pain and frustration in my marriage and yours, God can and will use it redemptively to grow us to be more like Himself.
Application – Step to Take
Here’s a simple but powerful way to start the practice of gratitude in your marriage:
The Daily Gratitude Habit for Couples
- Every evening, take two minutes and each share one specific thing you appreciated about the other that day. Keep it concrete: “I appreciated how you helped with dinner” or “I loved how you encouraged me before that meeting.”
- Write one sentence of thanks to God for your spouse in a note on your phone or a gratitude journal. “Lord, thank You for the way You’ve shaped us through one another.”
- Mid-day check-in: take a moment to reach out to your spouse to express words of encouragement or appreciation.
- End with prayer: “God, help us see each other through Your eyes tomorrow.”
Do this for at least seven days. You’ll notice the emotional tone between you begin to soften. You’ll find your walls coming down and affection beginning to resurface.
In counseling, I’ve often seen this practice break through months—even years—of gridlock. Gratitude opens the heart to empathy. And empathy paves the way for healing.
Reflection – Deeper Dive
- What is something your spouse did for you this week that you are grateful for?
- What qualities in your spouse have you stopped noticing or appreciating?
- How could gratitude help you approach recurring conflicts differently?
- When was the last time you thanked God specifically for your spouse?
- Recall and share about a time your spouse’s appreciation was meaningful for you.
When you are ready, take a few minutes together to answer these questions out loud. Better yet, write your responses in a shared journal and discuss your answers.
Author Byline
Rob Shive, MA, LPC – Founder & CEO, Oakland Hills Counseling, LLC
www.oaklandhillscounseling.com   Follow us: Instagram
Endnotes
- https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-ratio-the-key-to-relationship-satisfaction/
- Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.
- Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today? The role of daily gratitude in marital satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 18(2), 229–239.
- Fox, G. R., Kaplan, J., Damasio, H., & Damasio, A. (2015). Neural correlates of gratitude. Frontiers in Psychology, 6, 1491.
